June 2022

When I went to my first AA meeting quite a few days ago, I didn’t believe I was an alcoholic and didn’t understand at all what good any of this could or would do. I was angry, had resentments against everything and everyone, and just wanted to be left alone in my tiny, little ego-filled world. I didn’t jump into AA with both feet, it was more like I stuck my big toe in the water to test the temperature.
That’s called denial. Because of that, it took months of me going to meetings just to finally admit to myself that I was (and still am) an alcoholic. Then it took many more months to get through Steps 4 and 5. My life was much better doing Steps 1-3 on a daily basis and I was content to stay right where I was. Since I didn’t know that life could be so much better after I completed the rest of the steps, I drug my feet on those actions.

I feel that completing Steps 4 and 5 (the second time) allowed me to see that most of my anger and resentments could disappear once I realized that it wasn’t them, it was me. I was forced to grow up and take responsibility for my actions. I now cannot justify my bad behavior by blaming everyone else’s actions or inactions. I was willing (at least in theory) to begin to change myself, not them.
But just because I’m willing to let go of those things that are objectionable does not mean they will indeed go away. You have to be willing to see yourself differently. That means admitting that your thinking on some things (or most things) is not valid. You have to admit that you are not perfect and also be willing to change those actions. Some of my poor thoughts and actions have been part of my DNA for over 50 years and therefore not used to being questioned.

With a sponsor and a Higher Power’s help, I began to realize that I have a thinking problem as well as a drinking problem. I must be willing to question ALL of my thoughts and subsequent actions to see if they are correct and I cannot do this on my own. I need outside help (sponsor, meetings, significant other, etc.)! This is an on-going task and will never be completed.

I still sometimes believe that I am right about a subject and I’m willing to go to war to fight for my belief. That’s great if we’re talking about nuclear war but not if we’re discussing how to load a dishwasher. Most times it’s better to be happy than to be right!

Mick S., Hardrock

My family said we had “Irish Alzheimer’s” – “You forget everything except the grudges!”

Growing up, I had relatives who had refused to talk with each other for 30 years. “Why can’t I stay mad when
someone hurts me? Don’t I have a right to my feelings?”

I had to learn in AA that resentment is not a feeling, but an action.

My brain rehearses the injury, picks at the scab so that it won’t heal. I dwell on the injustice and why the other per-
son would do such harm to me. I let that person “live rent-free in my head.” The longer I focus on the pain and
view myself as a victim, the more I become “restless, irritable, and discontented.” I slowly block out the “sunlight
of the Spirit” and I will eventually drink on that anger.
“If we were to live, we had to be free of anger.” (BB, 66)

While I can’t change my feelings very easily, I can do something about what I think and what I do. What if I
pushed myself to look at the other person differently? Can I see them as a flawed, sick person like myself? Can I
honestly review my relationship with this person who hurt me and search for what I myself did to contribute to the
problem? I have certainly caused wreckage in others’ lives. The moment I grasp how much time and energy I have
wasted clinging to my bitterness, I start to be free. Sane thinking leads to sane action. Our Book makes the radical
proposal that I pray for the one who harmed me. And by trying to serve and help someone else, I escape my awful
self-absorbed grievances.

There are some damages that seem impossible to get over. Abuse and neglect I endured as a child, betrayals by a
partner, terrible crimes that leave me permanently traumatized – these seem beyond healing. Yet “God does for me
what I can’t do for myself.” No one can expect me to forget damage done to me – especially when “my part” was
only that I was there. Faith in a Higher Power means for me that enough grace and strength will be given me today
that I do not need to be defined by the harm done to me. And I don’t have to drink over it.

-Kevin P., Northside Wednesday

“Though our decision was a vital and crucial step, it could have little permanent effect unless at once followed by a strenuous effort to
face, and to be rid of, the things in ourselves which had
been blocking us.” BB, pg. 64

I thank God for the therapist who facilitated the IOP I planted my sorry butt into 31 years ago to see if I could let go of the
drinking. I had lived in denial for most of my 25-year drinking career. After all, I still had a husband, children, home, car,
job, etc. The only thing wrong with me (so I thought) was that when I started drinking, I could not stop.

This firm yet loving therapist, then and still a clean and sober member of our fellowship, keyed right in on two of my main
character defects the first night of the IOP. They were anger and lack of self esteem.

For the duration of the IOP, I did intense work on both. But first, I had to pray for willingness to change. I wanted change
so badly, but did not know if it was possible for me. I just wanted to learn how to love myself so I could care for others.

I learned that anger and no feeling of self worth both led to resentments, Page 552 in th Big Book says, "If you have resentment you want to be free of, if you will pray for the person or thing that you
resent, you will be free. If you will ask in prayer for everything you want for yourself to be given to them, you will be free.
Ask for their health, their prosperity, their happiness, and you will be free. Even when you don't really want it for them and
your prayers are only words and you don't mean it, go ahead and do it anyway. Do it everyday for two weeks, and you will
find you have come to mean it and to want it for them, and you will realize that where you used to feel bitterness and resent-
ment and hatred, you now feel compassionate, understanding and love."

The Big Book, page 66, tells us, “It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness.” “
… this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feelings we shut ourselves
off from the sunlight of the Spirit.” … “If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the brainstorm were not
for us. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics these things are poison.”

Letting go of these and my other character defects, learning to trust God, and working the AA program to the best of my abil-
ity were the remedies for what ailed me.

“Just keep doing the next right thing, and you will heal,” my sponsor kept telling me. I still live by that mantra today.

-Gail C., Hebron Tuesday Night

Before AA, I got my wisdom from bumper stickers, bar stools, and bathroom walls. I tell people that if you met my
family, you would understand.

There are days when I spend so much time on what's not up to me. Complaining about stuff, wishing stuff was oth-
erwise, worrying about the future or things in the past, that I end up with an emotional hangover.

The book tells me:

“Lack of power, that was our dilemma.” (BB, pg. 45)

To “cease fighting anything or anyone.” (BB, pg.84)

“Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today” … “Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God’s world by
mistake” ... “I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be
changed in me and my attitudes.” (BB, pg. 417)

Am I spending time on things that might make a difference, inside and outside of AA?

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom
to know the difference. Just as important as in a meeting where we have both the serenity prayer and The Lord's
prayer, I ask myself what am I doing between the next Lord’s prayer and the Serenity prayer? The time until my
next meeting.

-Mark L., the Florida Flounder

We’ve all had that bottom, You know, the one that was the last straw. The DUI, hospital visit, police visit, signif-
icant other leaving, job loss or in my case….the blackout that scared the shit out of me.

I’ve had many of these things happen. They didn’t matter. I didn’t drink “that much,” or not as much as you
know who. I’m just a social drinker with a blackout problem. Until the dreaded blackout of blackouts.

I didn’t get arrested. Since I was in Vegas without my wife, she didn’t know. No hospital, bruises from falling or
any extraordinary embarrassments. But the 4 Horsemen woke me that fateful day. Terror, bewilderment, frustra-
tion and dispair. And I was tired. Tired of being somewhat normal until I take that first drink. Dr Jeckyll and Mr.
Hyde, that was me.

Getting on my knees and asking God for help was the single best decision I ever made. After doing so, my High-
er Power kept reminding me in his odd little ways.

I didn’t know anyone well that was in AA but one acquaintance who happened to be a neighbor of my traveling
companion did have an AA tattoo on his arm. He shared with me once that it saved his life although he wasn’t
active currently. I told my HP that I would look him up when I arrived back in town. So I stayed sober for the
remainder of my trip and arrived back in town at 1am on the coldest day of the year. As I dropped off my passen-
ger in a car I seldom drive, this gentleman was walking his dogs down the street and stopped at my car to see
who was there at 1 freaking am. That was odd.

I took that as a reminder that I was to continue with my journey and seek out the help of AA. Reaching for the 50
pound phone I called AA and found a noon meeting at Florence Christian Church. But where in the world was
this meeting at this large church? There was this man outside smoking a cigarette and I asked him. Follow me he
said, that’s where I’m heading. Odd.

I went into this meeting room sitting by myself. This rather loud older man yelled at “hey kid, come sit over
here.” I sat next to him and he seemed to interview me and he introduced all of these men to me and they gave
me their numbers. He gave me a nickname (Timbo) that only he called me which was odd. But he gave me hope.
Hope that this man that I didn’t know and as loud and crazy as he appeared, could remain sober. Maybe there’s a
chance for me.

Looking back I feel these were God not Odd. It was my HP telling me to get my dumb ass to a meeting by the
dog walker at 1am. The guy waiting for me was smoking a cigarette in the parking lot showing me where to find
help. The man interviewing me and a nickname gave me hope that even I can find sobriety.
There was no burning bush. There was a handshake and a cup of coffee.

-Tim L, KY Jaywalkers